YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.