A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
こいつ天才
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”