Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
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[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.