haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
You Might Also Like
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”