Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
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My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.