Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
You Might Also Like
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.