Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
How can I say no to this ?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”