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If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
thank god
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.