“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
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My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.