Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
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I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I saw this ending much differently.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”