I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
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Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?