… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
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My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Oh we’ve met.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder