*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
You Might Also Like
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button