ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
You Might Also Like
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”