*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
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“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
*puts words between two asterisks*
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Who’s your best friend?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.