So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
sleeping beauty
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.