[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N