If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
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If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.