people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?