When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
That’s enough internet for the day
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”