Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
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