Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
When libraries troll their patrons.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR