If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
The Joker was right
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
very niche meme I made
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.