My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
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interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”