No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
(Musicians.)
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.