the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
<- sleeps well with others
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*frowns in Scottish*
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?