Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
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Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
crying
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.