[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.