He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
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They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.