Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
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How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
an octopus is just a wet spider
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3