I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
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My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
good morning
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
This headline is a thing of beauty
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.