One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
LOL
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”