Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I would move hell over six inches for you
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels