You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
drew a comic about my origin story
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
some cats are just doing for fun!
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
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a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.