[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.