I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
This anagram machine is out of order.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.