Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
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The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
This will teach them to underestimate me
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.