Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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This will never not be funny to me.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
NOT all policemen are strippers.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face