genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
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Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth