*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“what that mouth do?” complain
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.