I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
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What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life