Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you