Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
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Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
All. The. Damn. Time.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.