Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
buys donuts instead
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.