I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
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If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Smile they said.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
At least he brought enough for everyone
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”