Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
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Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
And then there were 4
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.