End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
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opening twitter today
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.