He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.