[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
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Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
🤣🤣🤣
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?