Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
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Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.